So it begins

Well ive decided to keep a blog of my events, this all stared at work...

Im a mental health nurse, working in a high secure hospital, i was involved in a incident were a patient attempted to kill me and another member of staff

which blew my mind....

last week i was diagnosed with PTSD

so how do i feel?


- Shit! i struggle to sleep unless im drunk, i wake several times in the night with nightmare and flashbacks and im always soaked in sweat

- i avoid my family i hide away making excuses not to be near them, because when i do im irritable and emotional... im crying just writing this


My therapist has stated EMDR with me but it seems to be making things worse, and this week she stated that 'i wont get better working in the same environment'

well thats great what the fuck am i ment to do, i have bills to pay and a family to provide for....

i cant just get a new job as i get payed better here than anywhere else, so what the fuck do i do

it all came ot a bit of a head today, on the way to B&Q in the car, we (my wife and me) got into a trival argument, i cant even remember what about, but suffice to say i lost it everything ive been holding in poured out, i became angry to the point i wanted to destroy the world

i didnt want to hurt anyone else-especially Ruth so i ended up punching myself repeatedly around the head, i think i terrified ruth but at that point i had lost all control other than not to hurt her

ive now got a black eye and a headache from hell

what the fuck is wrong with me!