Marks PTSD Life

Theres me thinking things were improving,ok still not sleeping great waking up with night mares, but had a good day Tuesday out with a mate plane spotting being a geek, Wednesday morning ok then wham!!! go to Jamies school for a parent evening for his school trip to the Somme battlefields and i get so claustrophobic, im physically retching, dripping with sweat. i fight my way through it, but at the end they play a video of the trenches and i start to cry. I tried to hide it but how well i dont know Ruth never said anything but she kept giving me fully looks all evening.... last night i slept for ..... 1hr!!!!

Well ive had a few days to think about things Ruths been off tot he great north Run, and ive been at home with Jamie, however saying that ive not seen that much of him i thought i was getting on top of things but as i walked into the building of the terrorist (aka my therapist) my emotions exploded, i hadn't even spoken to her, ive been buttoning stuff up so much... so, i talked about hitting myself, and having soo much anger but anger not aimed at anyone even me. This time the EMDR stuff was buzzers in my hands, round and round we go in circles about freeze frame images and related feelings...... but all the time my head coming back to 'what am i going to do' She again insists that i shouldn't be going back to the same environment that i 'had the trauma' but what can i do i have a family to care for, bills to pay She thinks ill get worse if i go back, but what can i do???

Yep only 4 hours sleep, and that was due to beer, the rest of the night up and down up and down had an argument already, as i have a nice black eye, clearly Ruth not impressed and made stupid comments like 'i suppose your going to tell people i did that to you!' i really need that , thanks in all honesty, i have no idea what to say to people, but to be fair, when am i going to see anyone, it not like im planning on going out ok in myself im not feeling too bad, Ruths gone out to her walking group and im alone with the Dog

tears, fear, anger, pain Drinking again to forget... I no that's bollocks to try to sleep

Well ive decided to keep a blog of my events, this all stared at work... Im a mental health nurse, working in a high secure hospital, i was involved in a incident were a patient attempted to kill me and another member of staff which blew my mind.... last week i was diagnosed with PTSD so how do i feel? - Shit! i struggle to sleep unless im drunk, i wake several times in the night with nightmare and flashbacks and im always soaked in sweat - i avoid my family i hide away making excuses not to be near them, because when i do im irritable and emotional... im crying just writing this My therapist has stated EMDR with me but it seems to be making things worse, and this week she stated that 'i wont get better working in the same environment' well thats great what the fuck am i ment to do, i have bills to pay and a family to provide for.... i cant just get a new job as i get payed better here than anywhere else, so what the fuck do i do it all came ot a bit of a